Not coding

I am not coding a line these days. I wanted to start making a game. I am occupied by some other things I need to finish this week and I also got a job. Also, when not doing these, I am watching tv series or lame UFO documentaries or even playing eye of the beholder. I am not going to code any time soon. Even though I get abstract ideas of things I'd like to code while I get bored at job.

The spikeball below looks very ugly. It's not much better in my demo. I didn't liked my demo. I don't care.

Who knows when I am going to code a new demo and what would that be (I am thinking of some oldschool platforms again). Although I am doing this for ten years. I just figured this out. And the game or other abstract ideas I'd like to try coding..

I am waiting for the summer. I'll be a little more free and have fun. Maybe with coding, maybe with just gaming and being lazy. Whatever..

Hey there mr.spikey ball!

LULZ! Just a lousy screenshot of some 3d generated geometry of my incoming demo. Of course this has to be textured, shaded, etc. It won't be like in the screenshot.

Unfortunately I was too busy the last week because I was occupied by some preparation seminars for a job (the good news here is that there is a high possibility that I get a new job right after breakpoint) and a lot of other things (learning french, teaching on private lessons, etc). So, I haven't done much since the last post. The finished parts are still only two which means that I have to rush for the remaining five days. My brother is also trying to make the music for the demo just right as we speak. But I think the demo will be submitted to the BP09 demo compo, although the final quality really depends on the limited time and my motivation. Certain ideas will or will not make it into the demo and other parts may not be as complete as I was planning at first. At least I will be there at the party and try to enjoy my time.

Little teaser

Work on the shaders demo for BP09 is going well. This will be the second part but the final won't look exactly like the picture (I hope). It's not finished yet. I tried here to give an impression of the superposition from quantum theory. The demo will have references to quantum physics and retro feeling at some parts. It just occurred in my mind to have such a mixed theme. I won't reveal any more till the demo is released at the party :)

Satisfactions and dissapointments in my democoding activities

4k is almost ready to ship! As a remote entry for Numerica demoparty.

87 bytes to wipe out. It's one of the few projects I enjoyed a bit. Maybe because it was easy to code in OpenGL and produce something that looks neat. Or because I enjoyed generating 3 textures and few polygons and have a final result that is satisfying to myself (concerning the effort and result). Maybe it's mediocre compared to the good ones (fewer parts that I wanted, shitty music, few ugly artifacts) but I don't bother about that. It's only important I am satisfied from what I do (and there are many factors that play a role in that) in the scene and this one is of the few times.

And now I am saying that, I think I'd like to make a list and consider which of my creations satisfied me or disappointed me during their creation and why? There was that incident some days ago at pouet where I expressed the usual stuff and wondered if I should be making demos or not. Then few days later I get good feelings by working on this 4k and even think it's gonna get fun to compete with the other entries and watch it realtime from the streaming. What's the fuck with me and my shifting moods anyways? Maybe I should just stop if I don't feel very well with a particular demo project and work on the ones that offers some satisfaction. There are times I get positive feelings from demoscene activities even if quite less than the negative ones. Maybe I should just regulate my emotions or shift activities when it doesn't go very well. Let's examine which where the ones with negative or positive feelings and why.

Let's see some demos from my Demology list at Pouet, starting from the past till today.

• The Poor Freak (July 1999): It's too far back in time to think about. In away I have positive feelings but that's because it's my first. I remember I had a great lust then to release my first demo ever and the time was a bit hard though, I was small, I needed a time space when my parents wouldn't be at home to annoy me why I spent so much time on the computer, so that I feel free enough and not anxious to code this one. I got this space, it was summer and I was just returning on holidays (I had all time in my mind when to finish the holidays and go back to code this one and finally release it). I wouldn't say anxiety makes democoding satisfactory, but I don't remember. It was the start of all evil though, being anxious to finish the demo with the pressure against it from my parents and being sad for not being able to work freely on my coding dreams (I had that passion from that very first time). However I don't remember sadness or dissatisfaction from finishing that very first thing in struggle. Maybe I was too young and the negative feelings were not inside me yet. Also notice, even the title and the scrolltexts express that whole anguish I got for years from wishing to code something good and having my parents not letting me freely. Scrolltexts in some of my early demos are landmarks of my psyche at that time and shadows of my current psychology. (Also, I got some positive reviews in quickbasic sites, which made me even more happy)



• Into The Fight (April 2001): Ugh! Even the title is something I hate. This is a good example of a good demo as a result (for quickbasic scene standards of course) with more negative feelings though. Remember, it's not the result but the equation of result and struggle to finish it that gives the final mark on the scale of how happy or unhappy I am with making demos. I can see that by remembering the times I did those demos and how I felt after. I was struggling trying to finish this with the same anxious thought, my parents arguing with me to stop doing this. And it was only my second big demo. How would I make really good ones after if that attitude went on? A lot of struggle went on to finish this one in time too. My first deadline. There was a competition called Qlympics 2000 in some website. There was a demo category. I wanted to do this. I really won the time race but with a lot of struggle and oppresion from my side. To discover that the site was a farce or something, or there was never a qlympics competition and no replies from the site admin or something (I wasn't the only one to fall into this trap though). The irony! (I just sent it to another compo later). I also made another mistake. I liked the C64 demos with noters explaining the effects and giving messages and so I spent most of the demo time (20-25 days) to write the noter text and only 5 days in a haste to connect the effects into the actual demo! Why the fuck did I do that??? (I even painted 88 fonts with my sprite editor quickbasic programm :). When I started it, I couldn't stop. I said I had to have a noter. I had seen I am loosing the race but I couldn't stop. I insisted. The text is around 250kb!!!!!!! (And don't speak about the lousy elastic boring to read writer). I realized it later and froze. I did won the deadline race, people liked my demo, but too much sorrow, too much oppresion with this one. And even the texts explain a lot of my sorrow (and my affection for demoscene girls at that time :). A great example of one of my most oppresive, sad works on the demoscene. Regardless the result, it didn't deserve that struggle. My psyche was at worse.



• Atsou by Nasty Bugs (September 2001): The texts are growing big after each list item, I didn't expected it and don't want too much text but there are big stories to say. This one is the first time I get the satisfaction of watching my entry in the big screen at a demoparty. Mostly negative than positive feelings though. The same anxiety, not so much struggle, I was just learning C and a whole month was spent to finish this shit. Bad Sector helped me to connect the parts into an actual demo (but no music unfortunately) in a haste (he even had a headache after that :P) and we just had the nice opportunity to watch it in the big screen. Some struggle for lame result. Also disappointments..



• Kefrens256 (January 2002): A good experience. For an online 256b compo. When the effort required is small (tiny intros coded in 1-2 evenings) then it's easier to enjoy it. And it was even my first, I had that idea of VGA hardware trickery and translucent bars (how have I chosen this for my first, in some aspects tricky hardware trick concept instead of a regular pixel effect for starters?) and succeeded making it work while at first I thought I would fail. My very first try at X86 assembly and ended up good. I have possible feelings from most of my tiny intro attempts because of little effort and nice results.



• My two wilds at React 2002: My most disappointing time at a party ever. It was just right the moment something started going really wrong inside me, concerning my passion to make something good, my struggle, the obstacles, my anxiety and all. A landmark in time where my negativity really started growing on me. The first time I have those deep thoughts and sorrow about what the hell I am doing in the demoscene and why things don't work well. This is the very first time. I planned to do something good in the compo, brought nothing (I even was trying to partycode and finish my first CPC demo but of course that would be a bit impossible at few evenings under the noise). But instead I couldn't finish anything. And only released those lame demos that didn't make it to the demo compo but the wild compo (and finished last). I was also sad about other things, maybe didn't felt very well or confident with people there. I don't want to blame anyone, just trying to explain my psyche there. My worst party experience ever (not because of the party but because of my total disappointment with the scene and everything at that time)



• Deedlines Sax (June 2002): A nice example of a creation with mostly positive feelings. Good for the quickbasic standards, ended 2nd(iirc?) in a nice quickbasic compo, not considering the quality of nice effects and my first 3d code, it also took me two good weeks of pure fun and no struggling. Did I have a clearer mind at that time? Did I not encounter negative attitude from my parents? A little period of positive energy? (I'll start to believe in astrology or other new age crap now :PPP). For some reasons I could not explain this one had a really really good flow of creativity (and I even still enjoy watching it :)



• A Step Beyond (April 2003): The biggest milestone considering my dreams and my psyche. My first CPC demo. A lot lot struggle. Writing Z80 assembly for like 12 hours per day in a period of almost a month. Having unrealistic big dreams of a good demo in something like a trackmo style (not menus and separate scroller parts like most CPC demos) and I fuckin did it, and it was very very very unrealistic to bet on such a project at that time. I can't believe that my very fuckin first CPC demo (and a very first time I write something big in assembly, not just tiny intros) was that huge (for my newbie experience) thing. It hurted watching myself burning in front of my computer trying to finish this one while my parents worrying. I said to my mother to understand me and that I know now that this demo passion kills me, but I want to make a really good demo in order to persuade myself that I have reached my milestone in the scene and take a break. I would make this demo and then stop. Did I really? (Of course I didn't thought about ending forever but for a while) My mother would say no. I even organized a CPC demo compo at ReAct2003 where this demo was going to be showed (but since it was the only entry, it competed at the wild compo). And I had to show some CPC graphics and music entries too. I even got anxious about the entries. Organizers didn't left me a time window at first or we were bad at communication. It was done harshly with my angry, anxious, disappointed. And I'll tell you the secret after so many years I didn't ever told to the participants till today. There was never real voting. There was no time, I hadn't communicated well with organizers to make the net vote for the CPC entries too (and they didn't bother asking me or I didn't bother telling them, also I didn't planned well or knew) so after showing the entries, in my anger I shouted: "Who liked the banana graphic the most?", counted harshly the cheers and thought ah ok, what the fuck? "Who liked the first music?" People shouted me, me, the moody music, the happy music, the banana picture, no the alien picture. And I just made an estimation. That's how lamely I have gathered the votes. But I should have known it's for fun (although don't bother asking me for organizing, I suck at this :P). But then I think back on A Step Beyond. Biggest milestone on my whole psyche and mood shifting in the scene. However the result is good (and I can just think of it as feat) and I got very positive responds from the CPC scene. Imagine a new guy, his first CPC demo, and not be a lame scroller but this. Others release fifteen lame CPC demos before doing a milestone half of this. How have I allowed myself with my inexperience and early struggle at home to produce something like this? But I tell you, in overall value concerning sadness and joy, it's a bit more at joy (because of the feat) but around the middle. More positive points with deedlines sax or even a simple 256b intro than this. Good example of how one of my best demos doesn't give me much positive feelings regardless the result. Also, notice the electronic notes (with a noter C64 alike, coded by another scener) and the same passionate, desperate big texts that revealed my psyche around that time (how many times did I say the word psyche?))



• My 0a000h 2004 releases: Tiny intros, easy joy. Also, the first time I release so many different things in a demoparty, the first foreign demoparty outside greece where I release something and have the fun to watch it on big screen, the first time to get a 1st place even with such a tiny intro and few contestants. The funniest thing is that while my joy was very positive with these releases, I was the opposite at the demoparty. I didn't even had a mood for drinking (which I always do at demoparties) and I just sat there with my computer playing quickbasic games! How crazy is that? Even the demoparty has stories of fun for me (like trying to carry alone a whole computer AND monitor from Karlsruhe to the party place). First time I bring my computer on a demoparty. And I met some nice people there too. Good response for my intros from Pouet reviews too (not that it matters much if I have purely enjoyed it and there was no struggle)



• O.T.I.N.A.N.E. (May 2004): No fear of sorrow here. It was the first time I watched someone else being anxious for releasing his first demo the same way as I was at my very first demoparty with Atsou. Now, I was the helper so I had no sorrow just pure fun. The demo was so lame but it wasn't me to blame. I didn't even had the slightest anxiety. But I was happy that mentor released his first demo ever and I was there to help. Notice that the title reminds of my recent Otinanum farce. The root is OTI NANE, OTI NA EINAI, it could be translated to "Whatever it is" or something I like to call whateverism. How it doesn't affect you when you are just an external beholder of someone else's struggle to finish his first work..



• Livetro (August 2004): My first C64 demo. Not a very important creation to analyze concerning the level of sorrow/joy. But there might be just some points here. First time to work with a team outside Greece. I remember some struggle with a lame bug (which was just a tiny jump of my DYCP scroll, only important to fix because of my perfection). Mediocre production, people being used to my pixel manipulation effects from CPC and expecting more. It was just a first release to show that Anubis is alive (but only then :). Nothing interesting. Good experience with C64 coding. Different kind of assembly programming than what I am used to on CPC and Z80. I think the joy/sorrow levels are at best mediocre. Neither too much negative or positive feelings. Not needed to be listed here but maybe a little milestone in my scene life.



• My Pixelshow 2005 entries (A demo, a 256b intro and a wild): Mostly positive feelings. First time I release so many things at a demoparty and all are quite nice in terms of quality (and what I can do at the time). My first OpenGL demo even connected all together very nicely at the demoparty. Good successful partycoding even if under pressure (but like the one at home but that of time). Crazy wild people loved. Feels like a comeback of myself and a time of love for the scene. Good feelings.



• Keftedes (October 2005): Mostly positive even if under a bit of anxiety. I think I had a fight with my parents at that time and I couldn't even bother sitting at home coding and them watching me without switching the power off and making a big mess. I wanted to finish this demo so this bad situation nerved me a bit. I did finished it at Antitec's house (all night coding in a laptop with shitty keys, great fun :). Production reminds me of the nice flow similar to Deedlines Sax in this one (although with a bit more nerve). I also finished part of it and an SDL port at a netcafe :). Keftedes is for the Keftales effect at the end. I always found the Keftales name strange and Keftedes means meatball in greek :). Also, the only entry at AAPs Freebasic demo compo, strange feeling, nobody bothered really to finish his demo, just me sitting alone in front of my computer and spending my time for something vain. But good times! (expect the bad atmosphere at home right that time)



• X-Kore (March 2006): An example of a demo without much struggle (I think there was some frustration though) but giving me a feeling of dissatisfaction because of result. It's just the opposite example. Good code, lame design and converted gfx. I was very dissatisfied by some lame 1kb entry and unfinished gfx for the demoparty in the same DSK archive though. At least after so many years I felt I have released something on the CPC scene. Never do the same mistake with hasted releases though except if I won't care. But here I did. No other entry at the Forever CPC compo, so I felt the same way as the Keftedes demo, being alone struggling to code for vanity when noone else cares, although now the big fun was missing.



• Led Blur (July 2006): A demo with good fun, a long but balanced effort (and no sorrow), that ended so well. From all my creations, my favorite demo, it's really the kind of flow of parts and oldschool flavor I really had in mind, one that I even enjoy to watch again and again. So many experience I got with that too (first 3d engine with polygons, first time to code in gcc, to have a makefile, first time to code for a handheld (GP32), to have to optimize my code like I was in a 486 with slow floating point, a lot of ports (by my friend Nuclear), etc). And then, at the worst time in the greek army, I get quite happy by learning this even have been nominated for a scene award. Me? Scene award? Impossible. It's when you make a demo and you just think it's mediocre (it was in terms of design) but you can't appreciate it as clearly as all the other people who watch it for the first time. The making of this took a very nice path and even the result was satisfactory. I should be aiming for more positive demomaking experiences like this with good results in the future. A positive milestone, just few weeks before I have to leave for the greek army and all hell breaks loose :P



• Creep Tea (August 2006)
: A GP2X demo for an online competition. Easy to make, no much struggle, and ok looking for the short time it took. Not as good as Led Blur in terms of completeness but ok flow without disappointments. Just the last demo before leaving for the army. It's even the first time I win any kind of money (300$) from demomaking. Which I received in paypal and lost by something strange with my account for reasons I don't know yet and won't bother to learn (ouch).


• 3 hours demo (December 2006) I did this demo while at the army. People thought it's funny that I am so obsessed with demomaking that I even find time inside the oppresive environment at the army (I did it in an office instead of working. In a haste. Now that's a feat :). No good feelings though. Lame demo but maybe my mood was down because of the army environment.



• re-re-recycle (May 2007): Good flow, good feelings. Also, another time I have the good rare luck to have a demo already finished at home, not having to struggle with partycoding or anything but enjoying my time at the partyplace. (Good memories from that party too. Some nice people I met). The flow was good too. Newschool effects, GP2X experience (using the second CPU for an OGG replayer, mmuhack, etc), kinda slow for GP2X though. But finished and nicely combined with the music my brother wrote. Btw, that was between my army time, almost. I took 6 months release from my army duty for personal reasons. Like it was time to get back to democoding, in the positive way even.



• Primary Star 2007 invitation (August 2007): First time I code an invitation for a demoparty. I almost forgot this because it wasn't on my Pouet list I am just looking (I will add now). It means something to me because of another (3rd? 4th? nth?) bad dissatisfaction from my side. Since my last C64 demo, I wanted to code something more than scrollers and sprites and char effects. I wanted to show I am capable to produced something a bit more interesting on this machine. Maybe just a tiny more interesting. I wasn't thinking of a huge think, just one nice effect for the invitation that is nothing of the usual. I was thinking of a little rubber bar with plasma (imagine the animated plasma on the surface of 3d bars from Krill but not on X-rotator but on rubber bars). Nice idea, doable, I was thinking this effect would go left right and reveal the invitation texts. Then I changed my mind, thought of something else, because I was struggling with something. Then back again. A month have past with nothing in my hands. It would be lame to not finish the invitation for the party and expose the organizers. So I finished this lame thing. I don't even remember how it took so long to finally reach this one (and being in a struggle). At least there was a positive response from C64 sceners at Pouet and elsewhere. Like they understood my sorrow then and told me to not worry. Notice also which of my productions in technical terms match which sorrow/joy levels. It's an important statistic to understand a problem and maybe at which side of demomaking I need to focus most to have joy. 8bit productions in assembly language usually get me the negative feeling. Assembly is fun and I like the feeling of writting some lines that work. But the effort! The hard effort needed most of the times lead me into finishing bad things under great pressure. But I love the idea of coding assembly for 8bits, although the struggle and dedication needed kills me. My least bad experience was maybe with a step beyond, which was still a very hard pressured experience I would never do that way again, but at least I produced a feat, something to think in awe and be fulfilled I achieved that at that time! Quickbasic was ok (not much people to appreciate your demo but pure fun), X86 tiny assembly coding was fine (VGA is easy, messed up nonlinear videorams on 8bits or even 16bits are cumbersome), even software rendering (something I am very well used to and doesn't look so hard or frightening to me as it would look to others) was fine and especially enjoyful in hardware that are neither too slow nor too fast and people can appreciate (GP32, GP2X, I can now consider NDS and maybe GBA in my future coding plans). Fun software rendering demos, with what I call midschool effects (something between oldschool and newschool, go figure :). OpenGL is cool too. Tiny 4k intros in C are a nice way to easily release something too. I don't know about assembly in 4k. I think it's the right way with modern 4k intros but maybe a bit harder for me. I might try once. Handheld demos with midschool software rendering effects was the most joyful level for me. I'd only wish I could also code an 8bit demo (CPC preferably) one day without that struggle and sorrow. All these comparisons though is a nice view of where I should move for less struggle and more fun in democoding though. Would that mean I would never code for 8bit again? No, I wouldn't like that. But I would do only if I resolve my bad psyche against that first..



• Voxreen (July 2008): Last one for today? Too much text in the previous entry also. Good work, one week of code, initially wanted to code another demo but the time was not enough. I didn't even thought I would change my plans and succeed to release this. My first 64k too. What I like in tiny size intros or 64k intros most and what I find interesting is the algorithms to generate texture, 3d data, etc. I like the whole idea that everything is described by mathematics and not as raw data (well, in 64k a lot of things can still be in raw or compressed data though and it's nice to see a well painted logo for once in 64ks) I would be looking more into intro coding in the future, especially 4k and 64k. First time to participate in a big demoparty with 5000 viewers and to win a nice 3rd place with good prize money (I lost my plane to Spain before and I had to pay additional money to buy one, so this prize saved my ass :P). It was the time I stared (for the nth time of course :) with the mood shifting and thought I loved the scene so much (I should seriously stop doing this, I mean not the love but the mood changes :). I like the colorful nature of the demo and the (low quality :) voxel routine, even though for some strange reasons, I do not enjoy watching this demo of mine. Not much variation of effects that I can enjoy I guess? Even with the nice (ugly?) colors and music tune I love, I can't enjoy watching this demo as much as most of my demos. I don't know why. It would be sounding too lame if I told you that I did it for the money (and maybe I feel so, indifferent for the demo itself), so I won't tell you that (oops :)



• Otinanum productions (beginning of 2009): Shame on me. And no comments.

Phew, that was big! It's a nice timeline of some of my most important releases and my thoughts on how they affected me and how I felt at that time. Good for a comparison of which elements, which tech, which times brought me joy or sorrow and know at which direction to head on if I want to receive more happiness than sorrow from my demoscene activities. And I must say that I should stop the mood swings because it makes me feel so ridiculous but all I say is a joke because I know that the cycle never ends.

Next time I should do a list of all the demoparties I visited and the joy/sorrow levels and reasons. Another insight, not on demomaking but how I felt at times with the demoscene community itself.

Okey dokey

Hello, my name is Boxximus!
Nope, no,. ehm.. I don't take any drugz
Yokey dokey!!!

Today the next otinanismus demo was out.
Will it ever stop or will it grow the same as the BITS phenomenon?
I am fed up of something but I don't know what it is.
For new or for old you will say me..

I just noticed this blog was originally build on an older crazy blog and the lame labels confuse me a bit. I don't know what to do with it. I must have opened many blogs and closed them but this is not like them. So, I forgot the feeling I had to write crazy posts without thinking. Without any burden, just free as the Otinanum demos (However the burden exists).

I logged in facebook to see some friends from the scene. Although I find it pretty lame or trendy and with some stupid groups or lame games people spend time on. You'll tell me is it better I spend time on Pouet? Anyways, I sometimes click on some of those games (which are not even games, like to buy something to someone or to buy another person and sell him or anything) but I know now. Also while I write here things, I am bored or unmotivated or not finding the reason to write there in the sense of "Today, I went with my friends out","I watched this movie just right now", "George is eating an ice-cream right now", etc..

It's not exactly the same as this blog. Here the posts are deeper and more thoughtful. But why am I writting all these? Vanity? I don't know. And what is usefull? Dah.. but then the question remains. But why do I ask it?

Okkie dokkie.

I have been hearing the Chandeen song on last.fm for more than 150 times. It's so moody, I like it. I feel being lost.

I like dreams. Especially the moment when you wake up and rarely you feel like being between sleep and awaken. I don't know when and how can I recreate this phenomenon. To have a half-sleep feeling while awake. Then I am more aware of the two worlds. And I like dreams, because they remind me (at this half-awake state) that this world is bullshit. There is something wrong here. Or maybe I am bullshit?

I am not speaking about what you can do in dreams. I don't care if you have five girlfriends (hello EP :) or you can fly and reach the stars. It's only the feeling, the different feeling I get at this state. You could be deep in shit and still get this great feeling. It's like when drinking but much greater. Drinking is nothing like that and it sucks when you get back to sober. I could name it as a feeling of serenity or something where you get away of things bothering you, but not like drinkign because drinking is supposed to do something like that too (but not the dreamy serenity). I dig dreams and they show that something is wrong here and something should be different here!

Funny enough, needless to say how hilarious it is and ROTFL for that, I laugh a lot. Today, I laugh a lot. Is laughing a disguise of your real problems. Are comedians more dangerous than they look alike? I am confused today yet I enjoy the fuzz with the otinanum productions. I had a great laugh when Solo2 told me to change that pic and the one I replaced it with was the Picard slapping his head (exactly matching laughingly the whole irony of this stupid demo). What a laugh was that!

I am wondering, is there some music I could hear at night to unconsciously drive towards those kind of dreams that make me happier for a while the next day? The ones that are rare. Or it's not the content of the dreams but? Fuzzy half-awake feeling too? Is there a nice good method? I just wonder what the meaning is. It's like I am asking you if there is a better drug for forgetting all responsibilities and my lame life. At least this would be like a legal and natural drug. Sleeping..

I am wondering: I daydream a lot. And many times I daynightmare. Daynightmare, yes. I am lost in thoughts where I imagine a bad road in my life, kind of martyr though, where a lot of bad fortune happens and unrightful events, very bad frightful things which they come as chains of thoughts or fears, and I am dragged in ruminations before I understand the deepness. What is a common characteristic though is that I take revenge as a martyr, I bring justice or speak about the right that went wrong, I can't exlain it, it's like a life-story, like a big bad movie which turns out good and vindication is at the end. That daynightmaring (what a stupid word, just came out :) really drags me emotion or energy, I feel very sad later, it just comes and I am dragged into it before understanding it could be bad.

But sometimes I think: The most common condition of my life (and maybe many human lives) is mediocrity. It's when things are not very good, but also not very bad. And there is a point here. Sometimes you'd wish they went so bad that you hit the bottom and wake up and do something. Something dramatic, something big, not your average every day zombie habits. How about being aware of your condition and still living in your pitiful mediocrity?

Yet, I am thinking about those mood swings and wonder. I am trying to remember my life since thirteen-fifteen. I was always deeply the sad, anxious, self-estemless person. I was always it. School, stupid people that I hate them, they made fun of me, kicked me with their Martins, brainless. Couldn't they understand something is wrong? What is this world? Where some people end up being bullied? And I remember. They seemed to be like zombies. They did their bad and annoying acts as like they didn't have a soul. They hurt me, they degraded me, I think they even had an excuse once. That I had to grow up. That they helped me to become normal. That I should be treated badly because I am different. They had their excuse but all they wanted was to treat me bad. I think they enjoyed that. This world makes me sad..

New Colouring Horizon. I really like this one. Soooo moody. Somehow it works while writting. Even code. I think I will write some of these different posts, a bit random, a bit angst ridden, a bit whatever, but without a plan, just random thoughts, I will start them in this one blog. It was a blog with crazy silly things but converted to coding blog only, but now in between I will write these posts. I will put my soul out. As in a dream..

I don't understand it. A dream. A dream where I put it out. Confused I was in my dream about being different and the struggle with people wanting to hurt me or control me, the whole confusion, the whole misconceptions, those years and later years, this all came it in that dream. I screamed "I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!!!" repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly. So repeatedly it was that I am writting it here five and more times. Repeatedly. With anger, the need for vengeance, justice.

And it was all about these and many others. From the bullying at school to my chronic struggle with the idea of not being normal. This world is bullshit!

Maybe I should be doing this more frequently. Expressing my anger and not keeping it inside me always. I am naturally I pacifist. My brother said that he noticed it on me once. So true. I am so pacifist that I avoid conflict so much, that I would even be quiet sometimes even when somebody would be bad with me or possibly would want to control and cheat on me. That doesn't mean there were no times where I could be quiet but I didn't do it and ended up in conflict. But it hurt me. Everytime the conflict hurt me. People would tell me I should be a man (and such shit) and fight back when they hurt you. What they teach you in school (the classmates, not the teachers), like an unwritten law, that when they fuck with you then you should fuck with them. I never understood that. Sometimes there was no need, sometimes I was afraid to get into conflict and I avoid it.

Something is wrong with me. Wrong is not the right word to express it. I mean, there is something that tells me that some attributes are not "normal", I mean they may differ enough from some other people they want to call themselves "normal" (neurotypicals?). Some thoughts are so sad that I would now think I suffer from depression. Someone might have told me that and he/she maybe right. But doctors or other people would expect much more serious symptoms. And because of fear that I may be wrong, because I imagine people really have that thing, it would be in a sense not right that everyone who feels a little sad claims that, so I avoid putting the label on me. (I am only sure about my Pure-O OCD).

However it wasn't just sad with me but it was chronic sadness. Maybe bipolarity. But maybe not the clinical where something in your brain makes you sad without a reason. I think actually, there are 2-3 depressions as there are 2-3 autisms and 2-3 OCDs and 2-3 ADDs. And I think those labels are just made up for something that could be similar, or there might be a need to be a gradience. If I am autistic but only like 20%, very midly, then wouldn't I look quite normal and people would say I am not? But some elements of it would still be a great burden in my life. I think people act in jerk-knee. They have misconceptions. It's sad. There is great variance, great gradience, there are OCD people who are very social, autistic people with feelings (misconception also that they don't have feelings), etc. Every person is different from the rest.

People don't think like that. They put characteristics in labels and they tell you "You can't be AS/ADD/OCD/something because I have seen such people and they are quite crazy, or because you have that which those people don't have, etc, etc". I once said, ok I won't speak with labels, I will speak with what I am:

"I am annoyed by thoughts, I feel very sad, I get easily anxious, I am afraid I can't easily recognize faces, many times I don't know what to say in teasing, I am stuck in the fucking demoscene hobby, it's complicated for me to look someone in the eyes (I don't even know why some people think it's arrogant to do so), I am occupied by things people don't care, I am more weird on more ways that create problems and I don't know why, I don't have a girlfriend, I was crying a lot when I was a child and all I get is judgement. All I get is people telling me either that I have nothing or judging me for having such a crappy life. And their only solution are to blame me for not doing what I should. But they don't understand that they confuse the results with the problem. Nobody is looking at the root. Because nobody is as aware as I am considering my own condition."

I don't want to say here that I am superior or that most people are soulless. That's why I added 'considering my own condition'. To say that, about my own condition, nobody can know more than me. Although that would render psychologists useless. They are supposed to help you see what you can't see about yourself. I know. I just write it in anger. Because halfly I am confused with the data I miss about the whole problem, and halfly I have become aware of good facts that most people ignore or don't accept and just continue telling me the trivial stuff.

And I don't want to say that but I will. I grew up with one focus. To know. I want to know. And by that meaning to be fully aware of things. Not just know as in encyclopedia. Not just blindly memorize. To know. Because I understood then and it still is viable that the main reasons for my sadness, for my abuse, for people making me sadder and making other people sad, is that most people are not as aware as me. They are automatons. They recite and recite the same ideas and same misconceptions in a way that you wonder whether they have a soul or are robots. It's all the same. This world is bullshit and most people don't understand it. They think I am bullshit! That's why from time to time I am becoming a misanthrope..

And this was my focus. To know in great awareness. There is a big difference of pursuing some knowledge and explaining even why it's true and which are it's inner workings than being fully aware, "feeling" how it fits with all the data. You could do the first thing and look like you are aware but not being. It's like you would "simulate" awareness. Few people are truly aware. Others might explain to you that they are. But they are sleeping into their misconceptions. I have been reading this site that has something to do with it.

Of course it would be lame to say I am the only one. There are occasions I have been also working as an automaton, I have my jerk-reactions, we all sleep in a drug. Reality is an illusion. The problem is that concerning the subjects that pain me most people have stupid misconceptions (although some seem to be polemic as if they had awareness but pro ideas that hurt me. They just don't understand it's not all the same for all). The problem is that common ideas hurt me. It's also sad to see even in autistic community people fighting with each other because everyone has his own idea of autism. They don't realize there are many different views, each person even autistic has unique characteristic that resemble no other person on the same or different category. It's sadest to realize that maybe the bigger preachers of "get a life","be normal just like everyone else" memes are not truly freely "normal" people but autistics in disguise. It's truly sad. And most people with lack of awareness don't even touch this thought. They are not even aware for more trivial misconceptions..

I forgot depression. Many depressions. It's not wrong to think about it. It's not only the clinical but the after-effect too. Another type. Many people with OCD or autism or ADD have symptoms of depression too. Why? Because of chronic disorders and struggle with society. Someone who would be sad because his girlfriend dumped him, we would say this should be called not depression. But imagine you have the ugly thoughts from OCD that degrade you totally as a human being, EVERY FUCKIN DAY!!! Wouldn't you be sad and sadder and sadder? This way another type of depression can be explained, the one that just accompanies a chronic disorder that is a burden for life.

Also, I want to say that depression may have to do with awareness. I am not sure what kind of neurotransmitors in the brain have to do with the fact that some people are more aware than others (or less drugged by social norms) but they may be connected. I mean, depression with awareness. If you are more aware and more sensitive you have a clearer feeling of the sadness in your reality. Depressed people are not crazy. It's the opposite that is happening. The "normal" people are delusional! At least that's an interesting change of perspective on how we look at neurodifference in people compared to neurotypicals. I had been reading this interesting article about it.

There is something in the plays here. Something I wish oneday to understand everything. A big puzzle of my life is bound to be solved. My sadness, my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, my awareness of things. Confused thoughts that need to be shifted in order to reveal the right truth. I know I won't be vindicated if I punch all the people I hate in the face. But I will only and truly be happy if I ever be able to solve all these puzzles and destroy all misconceptions that only made different people sad. And this is the only reason I believe in human nature, the only think that makes me forget my misanthropy, that evolution will lead us into knowing more, vindicating those suffering before us by getting more aware of our pitiful situation and justifying those who need it. I don't care if it's me or any other who discovers the truths we miss. It is just what I am wishing for the human race. Maybe I die miserable but I hope and believe the next generations will discover what I wished for and make common knowledge the right truth.

More posts will follow from time to time (with the one and only label angst). Where I say it loudly and clearly, out of my anger, out of my sorrow, out of my soul. And remember, this world is bullshit!

I am searching for aware people. Desperately..

Funny

It's funny how some seemingly impossible effects would require a clever yet very easy to code trick. It's funny how sometimes a coder with good ideas and a lousy programming language can overcome an unoptimized demo in assembly. I have been watching the demo Basic Instinct on my 386 and it's surprisingly smooth when also considering that it's written entirely in quickbasic. Most of it's effects were based on hardware scrolling and VGA trickery, yet there are some 3d dot routines and plasma effect that is quite good for Quickbasic AND 386.

This demo was the inspiration for me to try some other ideas in quickbasic. The screenshots are from my tests. I could never imagine that I could code fullscreen and full frame rate (with even several CPU cycles left for additional stuff) static mapping animations in quickbasic on my 386, provided the texture is no bigger than 16*16 (which could be much better looking than the tests in the screenshots).

Ok, the trick is simple, color cycling but I have never thought about it before watching an Acorn Archimedes demo on an emulator and while trying something the emulator and demo malfunctioned and revealed to me the trick on a big sphere mapping with small texture of 256 pixels. 256 pixels aka 256 colors. Precalculate a static 3d mapping screen with a tiled texture of 256 pixels (16*16) where each pixel of the texture has a unique color from 0 to 255. Just change the 256 color palette in such a way that would look like the tiled texture was scrolling and wrapping around itself. Handle the 256 colors as 256 unique pixels of the texture. The texture will scroll over the whole static mapping pattern producing the illusion of a real pixel per pixel mapping effect.



In fact, the same concept but with a 4*4 texture (with 16 unique colors/pixels) was used in the 2nd part of the CPC demo Backtro by Overflow. It's just looks and moves better when you have 256 paletized colors. And don't forget Unreal by Future Crew. I always wondered how could that great looking wormhole be so smooth on my 386. Now I know! Cheap tricks? Nah.. :)



Strange as it might seem to you, I had encountered such a great feeling of happiness when these (and even other funny mappings) ran successfully and smoothly on my 386 IN quickbasic. It might be stupid or a waste of time in the opinion of some but I had some great time with this. One of the rare times. As I explained in this pouet thread about my attention deficiency while democoding there are only very few rare times where I am not just coding trivial stuff but am doing some very curious or interesting experiments with coding where my focus and motivation are really high. And later everything drops down. This one was one of these times where I was really productive and happy with the process and the result.

As with shaders. The first time, they were something new for me. Of course I haven't written any real shader code yet. But after having a first good look into something new, I don't have the inital motivation or energy to continue at the same pace. Ok, I have seen how shaders work, maybe I will finish a lousy boring demo for BP but there are a lot of trivial and boring stuff in the coding process that make me lazy or loosing my focus. Unfortunately very little things really motivate me in democoding.

I remember a CPC coder who had coded some impressive effects as previews and they asked him why he doesn't release them in a demo. Because the most interesting and motivating part is over, to make a good effect work and use as much trickery and cleverness possible to optimize it or fake it. Then the most trivial, boring and time consuming parts is to connect all the effects in an actual demo. I can understand him. It's only the social consceous of the scene that asks you to combine your effort into a demo while you know that releasing the effects standalone would be lame or won't receive much attention. Sometimes I adore the quickbasic/freebasic scene where most people release standalone effects (without even good colors/design of the single effect sometimes) and it's all ok or even gets praise. Of course it's not just about the attention, but myself knows that it would be a pitty to throw away some good effects instead of using them in a good demo. Which although is the part that renders my attention span for coding sorter.

Other than that, there is a little progress with my 4k OpenGL intro. I am not sure if I wrote anything about it before but except from the demo for BP I was also planning a 4k. However, it is going so well and there are so few stuff to be done (although I am afraid about the music and also reaching the limits of 4k too early) so that there is a slight possibility I am releasing it at Numerica demoparty (as a remote entry). My brother is going to write the music. He might use Buzzic for that (no time after all for me to try coding music synthesis as I initially wished). And then I hope I will continue with my BP demo (whose project planning and concept has changed a lot in my mind since then, also because the initial concept would need more work for the limited deadline). No screenshots from the 4k here, just keeping it as a surprise :)

And then I wonder, why do we code? :P

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